The Old Battleaxe

Ruby Elfgutter was a famous orcish beauty in her youth, and one of the great heroes of the Battle of Brazenskull, where she killed many of the enemy and bit a knight’s hand off, gauntlet and all.* She eventually retired and became the beloved Grandma Ruby to generations of orc children. She always has room on the fridge for a work of crayon art, ** will listen for hours to childish babble, and bakes a mean tadpole crunch cookie.

But when bad stuff goes down and you get those bastard elves sniffing around the borders, Grandma Ruby’ll pull the battleaxe down off the wall, plant herself in the mouth of the cave, and heaven help anybody who tries to get to HER grandkids…

*The hand was mounted on a plaque and hangs in Ruby’s kitchen to this day, where she drapes dishtowels on it.

**Being orcs, the art usually consists of such masterpieces as “MoM wIth A sEverD Hed” or “mE aNd SpOt smoOshiNg faIriEs,” themes visited and revisited by generations and usually involving a lot of red crayon.

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Dude, I so wanna be her when I’m old. You rarely see orc women in fantasy, but damnit, orcs have grandmothers too!

Possibly, I’m just really easily amused.

13 x 19 Jumbo Print, edition of 25