So here the party is, slaying their way through the dungeon, wandering through a maze, and we come across a cultist.
ROOSTER: Convert or die, and I’m really in a hurry, so let’s make that decision quick, okay? Three…two…one…
CULTIST: Convert! Convert! (loudly, obviously trying to raise the alarm) Oh look, a paladin of the Weasel is asking me to convert…
ROOSTER: Right, let’s try that again. In your indoor voice, convert or die?
ROOSTER: Okay. Here’s a pamphlet. We’re a little busy right now, so we’re just gonna tie you up and–
CULTIST: The voices in my head say you have to beat me within an inch of my life.
The entire party recoils as one.
ROOSTER: This isn’t a weird sexual thing, is it? I mean, if you just want it to look like you put up a fight when your friends find you, I respect that, but…
THIEF: Let me stab him with the Dagger of Inappropriate Pleasure!
ROOSTER: Stop calling it that! It’s a Great Hunger weapon! It’s just…weird otherwise. Sounds like a dildo or something. And no stabbing. He’s agreed to convert. Sort of. Here, drink this holy water to prove you’ve converted.
CULTIST (chugs holy water)
ROOSTER: That’s enough. Don’t bogart the holy water, dude.
CULTIST: The frog people tell me you must beat me…
The party inches a little farther away.
DRUID: I think he’s got one of those Slaad tadpole things in him!*
RANGER: Use Lawrence!
(Lawrence is the Gnome’s familiar, a very serious toad who communicates through interpretive dance.)
LAWRENCE: (wants no part of this.)
ROOSTER: Lawrence, when they ask you if you’re a god, what do you say?
LAWRENCE (sighs, makes mystic passes through the air.)
CULTIST: No, that’s just a normal frog.
LAWRENCE (is deeply offended, as he is a toad and also not normal.)
ROOSTER: He’s…err…an avatar. Of the frog-god. Pocket sized for…um…easy media mailing…
CULTIST: The frogs are speaking to me!
DRUID: It’s a Slaad tadpole! Rooster! Do an exorcism!
DRUID: You remember when we were infected with Slaad babies? That cleansing rite they did at the temple?!
ROOSTER: Oh no! I’m not doing that! I’m not qualified! You have to be OSHA certified! There are classes!
DRUID: So make something up! Channel the Weasel! Do an exorcism!
ROOSTER: I’ve got a sword. I could kill him. That’s like exorcism.
GM: Really, it’s a simple faith…
DRUID: I was thinking of something more humane!
ROOSTER: It’s very humane! I’m a fucking surgeon with this broadsword!**
DRUID: Something else!
ROOSTER: ….I’ve got salt? Frogs hate salt.
DRUID: I was thinking of a holy ritual!
ROOSTER: It’s holy salt?
*sounds of GM howling from downstairs have grown progressively louder*
*eventually GM gets self under control*
CULTIST: The frogs…the voice of the frog…it’s growing…
ROOSTER: Um. Where’s the frog located, exactly?
CULTIST: My heart…and my head…and my soul…
ROOSTER: That was unhelpful.
Eventually the druid convinces Rooster to try and perform a ritual, which corresponds to absolutely no power Rooster actually possesses.
ROOSTER: Um. Okay. I’ll try, but nobody tell the clerics I did this. I’m a paladin, not a cleric. They get very annoyed. It’s a union thing.
Some mystic chalk circles and chants of “The power of Weasel compels you!” later…
CULTIST: Harder! The frog must come out!
ROOSTER: I just feel really weird about this. I’m a killing priest, not a ritual priest. It’s different.
DRUID: You can bless your weapon, why can’t you bless him?
ROOSTER’S PLAYER: FINE! I pick up the cultist and wield him! Then I cast Bless Weapon!
There is a pause while the party absorbs this.
ROOSTER’S PLAYER: Didn’t expect that, did you?
DRUID’S PLAYER: I…that’s not…what is the cultist doing right now?
ROOSTER’S PLAYTER: +1 radiant damage. More on a crit.
DRUID: I WILL PERFORM THE RITUAL MYSELF.
Astonishingly, the druid manages to turn a “cleanse parasites” spell into a de-Slaad-ification, mostly, I think, because the GM felt we had earned it by then. A tadpole came out of the cultist’s nose and Rooster stepped on it. We left him tied up and went to go fight Vecna and rescue an elderly runepriest named Ancient Gil, which was, after all, why we had come.
GM: You walk into the room. The runepriest is tied to the wall and there’s a sixteen foot tall Aspect of Vecna standing next to him.
ROOSTER: Ancient Gil! We’ve come to rescue you! And as for you…Can I interest you in a pamphlet?
And that was where we cut for the night.
*Evil frog people who impregnate you with mystic tadpoles. Very unpleasant.
**Rooster’s player has a real problem with movie references.
4 thoughts on “The Pamphlet And The Sword”
Is Rooster any relation of Corporal Visit The Ungodly With Explanatory Pamphlets?
I love your D&D posts. I just do. Best paladin ever, ever, ever.
I would probably pee myself laughing if I tried to play a roll20 sesh with you 😀
“FINE! I pick up the cultist and wield him! Then I cast Bless Weapon!”
Love, love, love this!