Today I received a brand-new never before seen piece of spam.
Sent to the Red Wombat Studio Form:
Kathie wrote: Hello, I am writing in an unusual case ... Some time ago, I used your services, and one of your employees face was familiar to me. At dinner with my wife, it turned out that he was a burglar, who 5 years ago broke into our home!!! This is ridiculous!!! How you can hire criminals? I found at least 3 bad entries for him at website for background check http://everifies.com !! I am sure there are more!!! Please do something about it, things like that are ridiculous!!!
Let’s unpack that, shall we?
I have no problem with the fact that “Kathie” is having dinner with her wife. It’s totally cool. Century of the Fruitbat.
I do kinda wonder how this hypothetical conversation went down, though.
“Hey, honey, today I was using Red Wombat Tea Company’s services. You know, that company that doesn’t really exist and hasn’t sold tea for years. One of the non-existent employees looked vaguely familiar. I wonder where I’ve seen him before?”
“Did he look like the burglar?”
“I’m a little troubled at how you always return to the burglar, hon. I mean, you did it last week to those Mormon missionaries.”
“They could have been casing the joint.”
“…and the UPS guy.”
“He had hair! The burglar had hair! What, do you just WANT us to be robbed again!?”
“Well, no. But it’s been five years. Maybe we should just move on.”
“HE COULD HAVE BEEN THE BURGLAR!”
“Honey, we never even got a look at the burglar. We were in the Bahamas. The neighbors called the cops.”
“We saw his mug-shots. Let me get them. We’ll settle this right now!”
“I’m a little disturbed that you keep his mug shots in the vegetable crisper.”
“It’s easier to get them that way when there’s a chance you might have seen him at some point during the day. Kathie, look at this man! WAS THIS THE MAN YOU SAW!?”
“That’s a piece of lettuce.”
“No, not that! This one!”
“…sure. Might have been. I dunno. He had hair, anyway. Can we just have dinner?”
“Kathie, you are sending that awful place an e-mail tomorrow telling them that their hair-wearing employee has a criminal past!”
“…sigh. Yes, dear.”