So I’m playing Viva Pinata, and Kevin is fooling around on his laptop, and I find myself romancing the adorable walrus pinatas, which I love because walruses are wonderful.
"Look!" I cried. "Hot walrus action!"
Kevin watched the little animation of dancing walruses (it’s a G-rated game, you "romance" the animals to produce more, and they do a little dance. There is not actually hot walrus action.) and says "I gotta say, it’s not doin’ anything for me."
I flopped back on the bed, waving my hands and making gronking noises. Kevin gazed at me, as he occasionally does, with that expression that says he loves me very much and putting me in the institution will make him very sad indeed.
"That’s my walrus sex impersonation."
"Yes, I see."
"Oh come on! You can’t say that your entire life has not been leading up to the point where someone will make walrus sex noises at you!"*
"….you realize that I’m not a furry, right? I mean, I’m developing quite an appreciation for the art, but I haven’t gone native."
I was about to embark upon a screed about how I didn’t know of any walrus furries anyway, and then it occurred to me that obviously one is horribly overdue. "I will be SEXWALRUS! I will do a sketchbook!" I cried.
"I dare you," muttered Kevin into his laptop.
Pulling back from the brink a bit, I considered this. What would I really do with a sketchbook of walrus porn? How would you even be able to tell it was porn, half the time? I’ve seen walrus sex on National Geographic, and it kind of looks like two lumpy mattresses stacked on a beach. The walrus Kama Sutra could be printed on one page and still have the back free to advertise walrus marital aids.
"Perhaps not porn," I said.
Kevin snerked into his laptop.
"But walruses! In fact–" suddenly it was all clear before me "–they’re a duo–Walrus and Radish!"
"I double dog dare you," muttered Kevin.
"They are friends. The walrus, the radish…"
"I’ll buy the sketchbook," said Kevin, finally looking up from the laptop. "I won’t pay for the art–but I’d buy the book to draw it in."
Walrus and Radish! Best buddies! Do they fight crime? Is it true love? Do they have adventures? Did Radish save Walrus’s life once, when they were young and foolish? Did they grow up together, or were they thrown together by circumstance? Does Radish have a dark secret? Does Walrus doodle Walrus + Radish 4ever and draw little hearts around it on the ice? I don’t know either!
Mind you, my budget is usually limited, but if any artists at the upcoming MFF would like to contribute to the saga of Walrus and Radish, I will gladly trade you sketchbook drawings, or prints if you prefer. Because…um….WALRUS AND RADISH!
*Haven’t all our lives been leading up to this, really?