August 7th — Feast Day of St. Viperfish, martyred by a storm.
What miracles this saint may have committed are lost to human knowledge, as it was only discovered after its death. St. Viperfish was found washed up on the beach following a dramatic storm, and taken to a nearby abbey, where it was mislabeled as a type of rabid barnacle. The saint’s remains spent the next two hundred years wedged between a box purporting to contain the toenails of St. Edna, and a pickled two-headed calf.
Eventually, during a reorganization of the abbey, St. Viperfish was rediscovered. The abbot was astonished to discover that St. Viperfish’s remains had not deteriorated during the last two hundred years, but remained astonishing well preserved and emitted a powerful odor of roses (and a rather fainter odor of sardines.) This sign of divine grace was unmistakeable, and St. Viperfish was canonized with all due ceremony.
The sacred remains are on display at the abbey, Tuesdays and Thursdays, or by appointment.
(I couldn’t fall asleep last night. Bad things happen in my brain when I can’t fall asleep.)