Last night, while playing WoW, with the help of my fellow weirdos, I had a brilliant idea.

Unpig.

I feel that undead are completely untapped as a food source. But all that’s about to change! Once we’ve got unpig, we can have unbacon, unpork chop, unribs! Unham, unpork rinds, unkielbasa! Sausage!*

My diabolical plan is to market unpig as completely cruelty free. Since the unpig is dead to begin with, we will never have killed the unpig, we’ll just have turned it. And by eating the unpig, you in fact free it from an eternity of horrific deathless suffering, therefore making every delicious bite an act of mercy!

I’m telling you, it’s pure genius. And it’s no weirder than the way they market BBQ around here–every single barbecue joint has a fiendishly leering pig, sometimes with a knife and fork, the quislings. We’re just ripping the smiling mask off the BBQ world to reveal the grinning snout of…Unpig.

I should really make some bacon labels for this. (A fellow player suggested the WoW themed “Forsaken Bacon” which would be awesome, if copyrighted.) Available in Hickory Smoked or Ichor Cured!

Alas, time being what it is, this may have to join “My Totem Animal Is Roadkill” T-shirts on the pile of “Stuff in questionable taste that I still really want to do someday…”

*Pig, unpig, it’s all sausage….