I have to go into the doctor’s office for Ye Olde Pap Smear.

I also have to buy mousetraps.

The two aren’t related.

However, following some discussion in other fora about marketing things “for girls,” and my own gut level response that if you say something is “For girls!” or in most cases “For women!” I will belly-crawl over broken glass to avoid purchasing it, for a complex tapestry of reasons*, I have decided I want a new brand.

A new brand of tampon.

A brand that isn’t girly. Or womany. No flowers. No pastel colors. Someone suggested a “Bloody Bill” brand awhile ago, but I can’t remember where, so I propose the alternate: “Blackbeard the Pirate’s Rugged Tampons! Fer pluggin’ th’ bloody hole afor’ th’ sharks smell ye!”

I would buy that. I would buy that by the truckload, and the case. I have failed as a feminist, perhaps, I see nothing glorious or spiritual about it all, I find in it all the joy of cleaning up cat vomit–a somewhat disgusting chore that you don’t mind all that much, but would still rather not do, given the option. And I don’t want flowers and pastel colors and whatnot on my box ‘o sanitary whatsits. There is nothing girly about any other aspect of my life, and I resent that they’ve got me by the balls** on this one.

Anyway.

*that, let’s face it, basically boils down to the fact that I couldn’t have a Skeletor action figure when I was a small child.

**Metaphorically speaking.