Archives of the Ahistorical Society: Speaking Owl

scaryowlsml

 

Transcript of office communication, notes, & loud yelling provided by Intern Brittany!



Sid.

Sid, what is this?

We went out after that owl. – Sid

I recall you going after the owl, yes.

It’s not a very nice owl. – Sid

According to the initial report, the farmer out that way said that it called every night, “The gods are gone, the gods have abandoned you, you cannot make new gods fast enough, all will fail and fall.”

Yeah, more or less. But it said it in a owl sort of way. Like it hooted “you” a bunch of times. And then it sort of sniggered. The farmer says it eats chickens. Marla wanted to run it over with the truck, but it was in a tree. – Sid

Marla has a somewhat single-minded approach to unexplained phenomenon. Now, did the farmer have any kids?

No? Well, uh, maybe? We didn’t ask. I mean, you don’t go around saying “Hey, we’re here about your evil talking owl, and by the way, have you fathered any children that might not be in the house?” Didn’t seem relevant. – Sid

Not quite what I was getting at…

Oh god, you don’t think the owl was his, do you? Like he had a horrible owl-baby and he kept it in the attic so people wouldn’t know and then it escaped and now it’s lurking around the farm mocking him? – Sid

Maybe the owl was his wife, like in Jane Eyre! – B

I…what…no.

It could be both! His owl-wife is in the attic having owl-babies and then one got loose and–

EVERYONE SHUT UP ABOUT OWL BABIES. I was trying to figure out why there’s a child’s scribble of an owl in this file!

Oh, I drew that. – Sid

I suspected as much, but hope springs eternal.

It was dark! We couldn’t take photos! So I did an artist rendering. – Sid

In the future, please just include a note with a verbal description.

But what are we going to do about the owl-wife in the attic? – B

The love between a farmer and an entirely hypothetical owl is not our business. Just file the…the thing. Please.



Artist’s rendering and transcript filed under “Hostile, Probably Not Extremely Dangerous But Someone Who Is Not Sid Should Probably Deal With It” by Intern Brittany!

Archives of the Ahistorical Society: Bricklayer’s Arch

Filed under “Probably Benign But That Isn’t To Say It Couldn’t Kill Us All Horribly In Our Sleep Someday.”

bricklayersarch

Transcript of post-it notes, memos, and one memorable in-office discussion provided by Intern Brittany, who does not get paid for this, by the way, and yes, I know the economy has more or less collapsed to a barter system but an IOU would be nice from time to time, maybe?



Sid, explain this!

Right, so it’s just this set of arches hanging out in the middle of the field. And according to this old-timer who lives nearby, this was built by a bricklayer who’s wife died, and he built a portal to the next world to try to see her again. Except his wife–the old-timer’s, not the bricklayer–said that the bricklayer never married and hated people and was trying to build a portal to get away from seeing anybody ever again. Anyway, the point is it didn’t really work very well. – Sid

About the ducks….

I mean, you can walk right through it. It doesn’t go anywhere. Nothing happens unless you’re a duck. – Sid

You walked through it?

I was bored and it was hot. Also, not a duck. – Sid

With the understanding that I already regret asking, what about the ducks?

Ducks vanish. But then they come back, sort of. – Sid

Sort of, you say.

Well, they don’t have organs. – Sid

So the ducks come back dead?

No, that’s the alarming thing. The ducks eventually show up again and they’re just sort of solid all the way through. They act normal. I mean, insomuch as ducks act like anything. Ducks are just kinda ducks. But they don’t speak in tongues or anything. Marla is totally weirded out. – Sid

I assume you dissected a duck to find this out.

Sort of. – Sid.

Oh Jesus.

We were standing there looking at it and a bunch of ducks suddenly came out of the opening and Marla panicked and hit one with a tennis racket. – Sid

This is not proper scientific protocol.

It was what we had. – Sid

In the interests of not having my blood pressure rise any further, we will assume that you had a perfectly good reason for carrying a tennis racket, which you do not need to explain. Ever. So she hit the duck with a tennis racket.

Right, and then we had this dead duck and the guy we had been talking to was all “Are you gonna eat that?” and Marla was all “Don’t eat things that appear out of thin air.” – Sid

Sound advice. Yes. Good for Marla.

So anyway we looked at the duck, and it was not from around here if you know what I mean. – Sid

How so?

Well, it had extra wiggly bits under the wings. – Sid

Wiggly bits. Of course it did.

But it was mostly a duck. Anyway, you know how Marla is about things with wiggly bits, so she ran over it with the truck. – Sid

Marla never liked the wiggly ones.

And that’s when we found out that the whole duck was basically made of…I dunno, Spam or something. Undifferentiated pink stuff. I wanted to put some in a jar to bring home, but Marla was all “burn it with fire, we have to burn it all” and you know how she gets. Also, she had the keys to the truck. – Sid

Good woman. Yes.



report filed June, 15 PD also by Brittany.

Ahistorical Society: Archive Entry With Transcript, Refiled

Image located in the file “Horribly Dangerous.” Following discussion (see transcript) it was refiled under “Sid’s Crap.”

creepykidstatue1

 

The large stack of post-it notes and written correspondence that accumulated on this image made filing unwieldy. Transcript provided. Where chronological order could not be determined, best guess made by Intern Brittany, which would be easier if more people wrote their name on their notes.

Sid, what is this?

Horrible creepy kid statue, obvs. -Sid

Why is it in this file?

Look at it! You know it eats people or moves at night or giggles or something. -Sid

Do you have proof?

I actually agree with Sid on this one

Your opinion is noted. I repeat, Sid, do you have any proof?

Did you look at it? -Sid

The world is full of creepy statues. They don’t all eat people.

Most of them do. -Sid

No, they don’t.

Do so. – Sid

Can we have Marla smash it anyway?

Marla says she didn’t spend twenty years get pepper sprayed on the picket lines to go around destroying lawn ornaments.

–Break in correspondance. Accompanying stains indicate someone spilled tea and mopped it up with notes–

Well, something ate the Brogans. – Sid

Unless you can prove it was this statue, you have to file the photo somewhere else.

Fine. When this thing is writing “Hide and Seek” on the wall in our guts,  just remember I told you so. – Sid

That threat was really effective the first five hundred times.

I still think we should smash it.

Transcript of notes prepared by Intern Brittany, June, 15pd, filed accordingly.