Archives of the Ahistorical Society: Bricklayer’s Arch

Filed under “Probably Benign But That Isn’t To Say It Couldn’t Kill Us All Horribly In Our Sleep Someday.”

bricklayersarch

Transcript of post-it notes, memos, and one memorable in-office discussion provided by Intern Brittany, who does not get paid for this, by the way, and yes, I know the economy has more or less collapsed to a barter system but an IOU would be nice from time to time, maybe?



Sid, explain this!

Right, so it’s just this set of arches hanging out in the middle of the field. And according to this old-timer who lives nearby, this was built by a bricklayer who’s wife died, and he built a portal to the next world to try to see her again. Except his wife–the old-timer’s, not the bricklayer–said that the bricklayer never married and hated people and was trying to build a portal to get away from seeing anybody ever again. Anyway, the point is it didn’t really work very well. – Sid

About the ducks….

I mean, you can walk right through it. It doesn’t go anywhere. Nothing happens unless you’re a duck. – Sid

You walked through it?

I was bored and it was hot. Also, not a duck. – Sid

With the understanding that I already regret asking, what about the ducks?

Ducks vanish. But then they come back, sort of. – Sid

Sort of, you say.

Well, they don’t have organs. – Sid

So the ducks come back dead?

No, that’s the alarming thing. The ducks eventually show up again and they’re just sort of solid all the way through. They act normal. I mean, insomuch as ducks act like anything. Ducks are just kinda ducks. But they don’t speak in tongues or anything. Marla is totally weirded out. – Sid

I assume you dissected a duck to find this out.

Sort of. – Sid.

Oh Jesus.

We were standing there looking at it and a bunch of ducks suddenly came out of the opening and Marla panicked and hit one with a tennis racket. – Sid

This is not proper scientific protocol.

It was what we had. – Sid

In the interests of not having my blood pressure rise any further, we will assume that you had a perfectly good reason for carrying a tennis racket, which you do not need to explain. Ever. So she hit the duck with a tennis racket.

Right, and then we had this dead duck and the guy we had been talking to was all “Are you gonna eat that?” and Marla was all “Don’t eat things that appear out of thin air.” – Sid

Sound advice. Yes. Good for Marla.

So anyway we looked at the duck, and it was not from around here if you know what I mean. – Sid

How so?

Well, it had extra wiggly bits under the wings. – Sid

Wiggly bits. Of course it did.

But it was mostly a duck. Anyway, you know how Marla is about things with wiggly bits, so she ran over it with the truck. – Sid

Marla never liked the wiggly ones.

And that’s when we found out that the whole duck was basically made of…I dunno, Spam or something. Undifferentiated pink stuff. I wanted to put some in a jar to bring home, but Marla was all “burn it with fire, we have to burn it all” and you know how she gets. Also, she had the keys to the truck. – Sid

Good woman. Yes.



report filed June, 15 PD also by Brittany.

Ahistorical Society: Archive Entry With Transcript, Refiled

Image located in the file “Horribly Dangerous.” Following discussion (see transcript) it was refiled under “Sid’s Crap.”

creepykidstatue1

 

The large stack of post-it notes and written correspondence that accumulated on this image made filing unwieldy. Transcript provided. Where chronological order could not be determined, best guess made by Intern Brittany, which would be easier if more people wrote their name on their notes.

Sid, what is this?

Horrible creepy kid statue, obvs. -Sid

Why is it in this file?

Look at it! You know it eats people or moves at night or giggles or something. -Sid

Do you have proof?

I actually agree with Sid on this one

Your opinion is noted. I repeat, Sid, do you have any proof?

Did you look at it? -Sid

The world is full of creepy statues. They don’t all eat people.

Most of them do. -Sid

No, they don’t.

Do so. – Sid

Can we have Marla smash it anyway?

Marla says she didn’t spend twenty years get pepper sprayed on the picket lines to go around destroying lawn ornaments.

–Break in correspondance. Accompanying stains indicate someone spilled tea and mopped it up with notes–

Well, something ate the Brogans. – Sid

Unless you can prove it was this statue, you have to file the photo somewhere else.

Fine. When this thing is writing “Hide and Seek” on the wall in our guts,  just remember I told you so. – Sid

That threat was really effective the first five hundred times.

I still think we should smash it.

Transcript of notes prepared by Intern Brittany, June, 15pd, filed accordingly.

Archive Entry

grungechurchwindow1

Image found in a file folder in the historical society archives, under “Miscellaneous.” Other items filed under “Miscellaneous” include numerous manuals for appliances, somebody’s tax return (you know who you are), an extremely moldy grilled cheese sandwich and a birdhouse completely covered in duct tape.

The birdhouse was removed and filed more safely. The sandwich was thrown away.

Son of Fake Book Cover!

Two versions of the Bryony cover today–I have heard and obeyed the lack of love for the slant! I have slanted much harder!

I am skeptical about the bee. The problem is that clockwork bees are inherently small and fiddly, and it just doesn’t read all that clearly. But I do think it needs something in that dead space. So some fiddling around with petal shapes over there. (I have tried putting words in. Words don’t seem happy there at all…)

Adding the black border makes it read a little bit more dark fantasy to me, weirdly enough. That may JUST be me, though. And I know, I know, borders are like licking your knife in public. SOMETIMES I LIKE THE TASTE, OKAY!?

(I, uh, have no immediate plans to replace all the existing covers, for the record. I won’t swear that I won’t at some point, but I’d need to put matching covers on all three and that’s so much work that I shudder to contemplate. Though I’m pretty pleased with the Greenteeth one.)

fakebryony2
fakebryony2.1

Y’all know–I hope!–that I value your input by now. (Lot of conversation on Livejournal on this one, if you’re hoping to join in!)

Bride of the Fake Book Cover

Livejournal was hopping with good advice, which led to this:

fakebook3.2

and that led to this:

fakebryony1

 

For this next one, a reprise of Bryony, I wanted to use the same font, but a rather bolder graphic approach. I have no idea if it works at all visually, but I gotta confess, the thumbnail reads better than the actual cover. (Sure, that’s just what I need to do, redo all my back catalog covers. In, y’know, MY COPIOUS SPARE TIME.) Thoughts, as always, welcome. (I just don’t know about the author name there–it really gouges the line of the rose. Maybe I should yank out one of the stems on the right and put it in there in black instead…)

Fake Book Cover #2, Round #2

fakecover2.2

Poking at the horror cover some more. Thank you all for the feedback (I think I gotta backburner the garden one for a bit–I’ve hit the point where I’ve stared at it for so long that it no longer has any visual meaning.)

 

On this one, I discovered that it got a little less saturated in my posting of it, so here is another version–bumped up the saturation on the colors, lowered the brightness on the title, made the blurb bolder, and bumped up the kerning between the letters by about ten points (not sure if anyone can tell…)

This feels almost too easy–dark woods, slap title on, call it a day. I suspect I may have gotten lucky that I have a very creepy driveway and a lot of photoshop actions at my disposal, but still, shouldn’t there be some way that I can do ten times as much work and make it ten percent better? (Pardon, my Catholic is showing…)

And then I start thinking that maybe there’s a certain sort of cover where any photo you take of anything is creepy if you flatten it out and make it dark enough and then put a particular sort of font on it and what if I could make a supernatural horror cover out of anything, I could wander around taking photos of pigeons and my long-stuffering barista and the recycling bins behind the coffee shop–“RECYCLING: TERROR COMES BACK OVER AND OVER AGAIN!”–and go MAD WITH POWER and then I need to go lie down for a minute with a damp cloth over my eyes.

Fake Book Covers, Round Two!

After all the great input (and I appreciate it!) on Livejournal, here’s round two of the first fake cover!

fakebook1.1

I lightened the background and ran a light green gradient over it to make it contrast more starkly with the dark swatch, ran the author name to the edges to match the title, and increased the size of “THAT.” Ditched the words at the top, and made the little memoir bit not-a-script so it doesn’t contrast so starkly. Feedback welcome!

And now, for another small design amusement, here’s my attempt at a horror cover:

fakebook2

There is actually a chance I will someday publish a horror novel called “The Twisted Ones” since I have it about 30K written, but it’s a ways off. (Actually, I should probably put a THIRD pen name on these suckers so that people don’t trip over the images a few years hence and think I’ve written books I haven’t written…unngh. Too many of me! Still, maybe I’ll finally get a chance to be Ingrid Quaile…)

Sentimentality

I make a big deal about the ruthlessness of gardening and all, how I am a mighty slayer of weeds and bane of invasives, but the truth is that I just transplanted a plant that wasn’t doing well, and when I lifted it out, an earthworm was left behind in the hole.

So then I had to go back and get the plant’s worm for it because I was afraid that they might be friends.