When Did Tinkerbell Become A Skank?

Seriously. I know she was always kind’ve a flirty and vindictive little bugger, which is fine, some of my best friends are flirty and vindictive, but we walked into one of the Disney stores and were confronted by a wall of Tinkerbell Slut Chic.

Kevin inched closer to me, leaned over, and whispered "I feel strangely conflicted…"

I never liked Tinkerbell particularly, but this is a little unsettling. It’s like she was made an honorary member of the Bratz dolls, except she went too far and started doing lots of ecstasy and calling them up at 3 AM asking if they want to go clubbing and then barfing pixie dust on their shoes and threatening to cut a bitch and now they don’t talk to her any more.

Actually, I might buy a t-shirt with Tinkerbell threatening to cut a bitch. Maybe. It would depend on the art.

It doesn’t make me quite as irked as the revamp of Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake to look like teenagers (are there ANY toys that actually look like little girls now?) but…uh…if you’re determined to milk lots more money out of my demographic of Females With The Money And Will To Buy Overpriced T-Shirts, let me suggest two things. A) Stuff in my size. I have boobs. Tinkerbell DEFINITELY has boobs. Were she proportional, I do not think this t-shirt would fit her rack, either. B) Earrings. The selection of earrings consisted of rhinestone variations on the Mickey logo, a couple of dolphins, and a lot of peace signs. Branch out a little, people! If you had Cheshire cat earrings–or Eeyore, or the Mad Hatter, or Maleficent or frankly anything other than Minnie Mouse–you would have relieved me of money at a shocking rate. My Visa would have flown from my pocket and alighted on the cash register, fanning plastic wings like a rare butterfly. You have access to the greatest archive of beloved iconography in existence. Why must you waste it making fifty million mugs that look like the lower legs of Mickey and Minnie instead? Do you really think I wish to drink from the severed pelvises of my enemies? Is that what you people are doing in Cinderella’s castle after hours–drinking from severed pelvises? Really? If so, how do I get invited to these parties? Do I have to be a member of the Disney Vacation Club or something?

Also. I got the inkling of the Disney Princess thing back when I started playing Kingdom Hearts, but I had no idea what a terrifying juggernaut it would become.

Which would be fine. I firmly believe that little girls can play being princesses without being unduly warped by it. I didn’t ever play that I was a princess, but then, I was playing that I was a dragon-riding Vulcan who could turn into a horse, and I seem to have come out mostly okay.

I had a point there, but I think I got distracted.

But anyway, there is NO Mulan merchandise. Technically I think she’s one of the princesses, but no Mulan, and Pocahantas was one costume in the Halloween section. Meanwhile, you couldn’t throw a dead Cheshire cat without hitting Sleeping Beauty stuff.

I gazed at one of them…I don’t know which one…on a T-shirt that said "Waiting for my prince," and found myself muttering "Get a job," which probably just proves that I’m totally not the target demographic for these shirts, and now I’ve completely lost my point. Thing. Uh. Did I mention that the bar makes this Bailey’s milkshake…?

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