Shamelessly ganked from my buddy Pseudo, and reposted with trepidation. I don’t know what worries me more…exposing too much information about ME, or learning way too much about YOU guys.
Still, it’s funny, and it puts off work for another twenty minutes.
(Mom, Dad…you might just wanna sit this one out.)
Abasiophilia (Casts, Braces, Wheelchairs) — …I did not know this existed. I am a little disturbed.
Age Play? — This seems like a really slippery slope…
Adult Baby/AB Parent? — …and there’s the bottom of the slope.
Algolagnia (Pleasure derived from physical pain)? — Mmm. Well, for textural contrast, sure…
Amputee Fetishism (Amputation/Deformity)? — *silent headshake, backing away slowly*
Anal Sex? — The jury’s still out on this one. And if you ever buy me a great deal of alcohol, I will tell you this one story…
Andromimetophilia (Androgeny)? — David Bowie was kinda hot once, but that’s as far as I go on that one.
Arse (Ass Play, Worship)? — *scratch head* The what now?
Asphyxiaphilia (Breath Play, Choking)? — Now this is just dangerous.
Balloons? — What ABOUT balloons?
Bestiality/Zoophilia? — The only animal I believe can give consent is a dolphin. They’re smart, they’re stronger than you are, and they’re all perverts. You wanna screw around with them, that’s…really weird, but not my problem. Have fun drowning. Anything else, I’m calling the ASPCA on your ass.
Beating (Flogs, Whips, Canes, etc.)? — Never let it be said that I’m not good, giving, and game on this one.
Biastophilia (Committing Rape/Sexual Assault)? — No, no, a thousand times, no.
Biting/Teeth? — Bring on the teeth!
Blood (Drawing Blood, Cutting, etc.)? — Okay, see, that was too MUCH teeth. Medic!
Body Hair? — I like less, but I don’t get off on it.
Body Modification (Tattoos, Branding, Piercings, Scarification, etc.)? — They’re cool.
Bondage (Blind folds, Gags, Restraints)? — Sure!
Breast/Nipple Torture, Clamps, etc.? — Err…I was named after St. Ursula, not St. Agatha.*
Chastity Devices? — I’ve been chaste too long already.
Chinese Balls/Ben Wa Balls/Anal Beads? — The issue’s never really come up.
Cling Film/Plastic Wrap? — Well, it’s useful stuff, but I can’t say I get off on it particularly. The sight of my Saran-Wrap encrusted leftovers does not fill me with erotic glee.
Cock and Ball Torture, Clamps, etc.? — I am not nearly mechanically inclined enough to be trusted to do this with a partner. “Shit! Shit! Sorry! Sorry!–crap–where’s the manual!? AHH! It’s in Japanese! Crap! Sorry! Where’s the Leatherman?!”
Collar and Lead/Leash? — I’m willing to try, but I’ll be the one in the collar with the I-really-can’t-believe-he-talked-me-into-this expression.
Confinement/Caging? — What if there’s a fire?
Coprophilia (Shit Play/Scat)? — Unsanitary AND icky.
Costumes (Period, Fetish, etc.)? — I do love a man in a kilt.
Cross Dressing? — The kilt’s as far as I go, though.
Cupping (Suction of the Skin)? — Err…I don’t think it’s ever really come up.
Dacryphilia (Arousal from Tears)? — This is real?
Defilement (Seeing a partner dirty or wet)? — Well, this can be sexy in it’s place–like the shower, or that one commercial with the coal miners–but there are levels and levels here…
Denim? — Not in the sense of a fetish, no.
Depilation/Shaving? — Nope.
Diapers/Diaper Lover? — Ew, ew, ew.
Dildos (Hand-held & Strap-ons)? — Now these can be very useful.
Discipline? — I’d happily try it, but I suspect this is one of those cases where my finely honed sense of the absurd would get in the way of getting off. I’m happy to take orders–some of them–but you better not expect me to keep a straight face while I’m doing it.
Doctor/Nurse Fetish? — Potentially hot, but the issue hasn’t really come up.
Domination? — Bring it! Nicely, of course.
Ears? — They’re an erogenous zone, sure.
Electrotorture (EMS TENS units)? — Oh, christ, no. Ever since I got a nerve conduction test, electricity creeps me the hell out.
Emetophilia (Vomit, Regurgitation)? — Ew, ew, ew, EW.
Erotic Photography? — Sure!
Exhibitionism/Sex In Public? — Um…well, it’s never really come up…
Feathers? — Bring ’em!
Pyrophilia (Fire Play)? — Now this just sounds like an accident waiting to happen.
Fisting? — I’m scared.
Food Play? — Are we talking strategically applied whipped cream here, or is this some kind of “Pretend you’re a Thanksgiving turkey” thing I’ve never heard of that ends with candied yams in bad places?
Fuck Machines/Robots? — Next, on a very special episode of “Robot Wars”…
Furry/Fur Fetishism? — I am arguably one of the great defenders of furries as a harmless and basically sweet bunch, I attempt to spread tolerance of furrydom wherever I go, but it’s just plain not my kink. Some of the suits are really neat, but I don’t have any desire to molest them.
Gangbangs? — I suspect this would be fraught with peril and potential drama.
Genital Worship? — Can someone explain how this differs from just oral sex? I mean, if lighting incense in the direction of my crotch gets him off, that’s fine, I’m cool with it, but I don’t see that it does ME much good. (On the other hand, a penis shrine might be a cool art project…where’s my sketchbook?)
Guns (Gun Play, Worship)? — And now you’re just scaring me.
Hair Pulling? — As long as I’m not getting bald spots, knock yourself out.
Harnesses? — Never tried, but some of ’em look cool. Just don’t expect me to plow the back forty or anything.
High Heels/Stilettos? — I understand this kink, but I don’t have it.
Humiliation? — Hell, no. I may be perfectly willing to stick around for the B, the D, and the S, but you damn well better be nice to me while you’re doing it.
Infantilism (Pacifiers/Bottles, etc.)? — Have I not said “Ew” enough already on this topic?
Kidnapping Play? — The issue’s never come up…
Klismaphilia (Douching/Enema)? — Oh dear god NO.
Knives (Razors, Swords, other blades)? — Crimony, no. I like swords, I practiced iaido, and that means I respect them far too much to let some jackass wave one at me.
Lace/Lingerie? — Well, again, not my kink particularly, but I understand it and am happy to cater.
Latex? — Nope, but again…happy to cater.
Leather? — Oh, c’mon, who DOESN’T love leather?
Making Home “Movies”? — This was a bad idea even BEFORE YouTube.
Masks (Erotic/Gas Masks, etc.)? — Um. I was gonna say no, but then I realized that I’m living in a house with…uh…fifteen masks already. Is it possible to have a non-erotic fetish? I don’t get off on ’em, but I do love them dearly….
Masochism? — In moderation, for textural contrast, sure.
Massage? — Oh, c’mon, like ANYBODY turns down a massage.
Master/Slave? — A topic as yet unexplored. Although again, my inclination to see the absurd side of whatever I’m doing might prove problematic…
Masturbation (Mutual or Forced)? — I’m all for it!
Medical Scenes/Equipment? — You get that speculum anywhere near me, you’ll regret it.
Menstruation (Sex During, Eating, etc.)? — Well, I’m always grateful when they aren’t squicked out, but a fetish might be going too far…
Murder Fetishism? — Now that’s just a scary road to walk down.
Military Fetish/Uniforms? — I’d go with this one on purely aesthetic grounds. Provided it was a GOOD uniform.
Milk Fetishism/Lactation? — Euuugh.
Necrophilia (Death, Corpses)? — I grant you, it’s been long enough that “Has a pulse” is starting to seem like a negotiable quality, but I haven’t gotten there yet.
Nipples? — Generally overrated, if you ask me.
Oral Fixations? — I always just assumed this meant you smoked a lot or chewed gum or something.
Oral Sex? — This is less a fetish than just an assumed part of a healthy sex life, right?
Pain (Giving/Receiving)? — On the one hand, high pain tolerance. On the other hand, very apologetic. “Oh, Christ, areyou okay?! Did I do that?”
Pet Play (Pony/Puppy/Kitty, etc)? — I cannot imagine taking this seriously.
Piercings? — Neat. Some of them.
Pinching? — Sure, go ahead, in moderation.
Play Piercing/Needle Play? — Not. A. Chance.
Plushophilia (Stuffed animals, Plushies)? — *silent headshake, gaze at ceiling*
Podophilia (Foot Fetish)? — I don’t have one, but if he wants to snuggle my toes, never let it be said I’m not accomodating.
Power Exchange? — Occasionally fun, sure.
Pregnancy Fetishism? — Sweet god, no.
Punishment? — I can just see how this one would play out… “Okay, twenty lashes every time you snicker.” “Christ, we’re gonna be here all week…”
The Rack/Medieval Devices? — I’m in a one bedroom apartment. Even if I did have a fetish, where would I PUT it?
Raptophilia (Sexual arousal from being raped)? — As long as it’s between consenting adults, sure.
Religious (Nunplay, Priestplay)? — I dunno about the nuns, but a Roman collar can be damn sexy in its place.
Retifism (Shoes or Boots)? — I will admit those boots with the spikes were cool, but I didn’t want to make love to them.
Rimming? — Not a fetish of mine, no.
Role Playing? — You know, it’s never really come up.
Rubber? — Not so much.
Sadism? — I think I’m just too apologetic. “Did I hurt you? Ack! I’m sorry! Are you okay? Oh god, let me get you some ice for that…”
Scent? — Smell is part of any sexual experience, but I dunno how I’d get a fetish out of it, per se…
Sensory Deprivation? — Blindfolds, sure. If I have to sit in a saltwater tank in the dark with a white noise generator, though, we may have gone too far.
Smoking Fetishism? — ‘Cos lung cancer is hawt.
Spanking/Paddling? — Happy to participate. May chuckle a bit.
Statuephilia (Mannequins, Dolls, etc.)? — Whoever made the movie “Mannequin” should be charged with crimes against humanity.
Stockings/Fishnets/Pantyhose? — Not my fetish, but willing to cater.
Talking Dirty/Verbal Humiliation/Abuse? — Talking dirty is fine, but you better be damn complimentary while you do it. Get insulting and you’re sleeping on the couch.
Tickling? — Raowr!
Tongue Fetish? — I have no idea where the line between a fine aesthetic appreciation of the usefulness of the human tongue and an out-and-out fetish is.
Toys (Buttplugs, Vibrators, etc.)? — Useful objects, all for them, although I haven’t tried all that many.
Transvestism? — If you’ve got the panache to carry it off, I may find it hot. But it’s the panache, not the outfit.
Urolagnia (Water Sports/Urine)? — Oh god, no, no, NO.
Violence/Physical Injury? — There’s a definite line between being charmingly overpowered and “Get off and call me an ambulance, dickwad.”
Voyeurism? — Not at all my kink. I find myself embarrassed by being witness to something that seems like it oughta be intimate.
Wrestling/Fighting? — Insomuch as it gets both parties hot, sweaty, and in physical contact, sure!
Zombies/Gore? — This is a joke, right?
It’s sad how many of these are “It’s never come up…” I obviously gotta get out more.
*I believed this for years, actually, until my father sheepishly admitted he’d suggested “Ursula” because he had a thing for Ursula Andress. I was intensely relieved.